Tales from the battlefront

Last week I felt the familiar tug at the edges of my mind.  The tug slowly but surely became more insistent.  The tug soon became a strong pull and before I knew it, the world started to turn very grey.  It's like somehow, a filter has been applied to life. 

Strange, though.  Even though this transition has been happening regularly for as long as I can remember, I am always taken by surprise at how quickly the world loses its colour, its vibrancy and its warmth.  It is as though they never existed in the first place.

When the grey filter is applied to my life, all my energy is spent in resisting.  It's like I am battling an unseen enemy every second of my waking day.  The strength needed to win each day and each & every little skirmish is enormous. 

That is why I often chose to minimise contact with others during this time.  As my full attention is directed at these constant skirmishes, my demeanour manifests itself in a mixture of frustration, anger and impatience.  This means I can be short, distant or appear rude.  At worst it crushes senses, mental structure and any form of logic.  As you can imagine, before I understood my need to manage the possibility of collateral damage during this intense period, I had upset quite a few people.

This time, the battle was a short one.  But don't get me wrong - I haven't won yet.  Each day requires vigilance.  What changes from one day to the next is the intensity of the attacks.  Some days the attacks increase in ferocity and frequency, resulting in greater efforts on my part to actively step in. Like last week.  And then some days, there is a stretch of time where I get to re-group.

I feel lucky, though.  With each re-group, I am learning the necessary strategies to put myself in the best position to win.