Papa Don't Preach

My father and I have a cordial relationship.  That is to say, we are like polite strangers on a bus.  It has always been that way, ever since I was young.  Our relationship isn't strained or volatile or complex or any of those words, simply because that would imply some sort of history.  We do not have any shared history to speak of.  He was merely someone my mother was married to, who was polite to me when he saw me but didn't go out of his way to say or do anything more.  As a matter of fact, I saw him say and do more for strangers, certainly for his other two children.

This had the most impact on me when I was in my teenage years.  I went through the usual teenage emotions about so many things, and this was one of them.  But like most teenagers, I came through the other end of those growing pain years and put most things into perspective.  My relationship with my father included.  Or so I thought.  To my mind, the only lasting impact of my father's absence in my life was my disproportionate reaction to any movie or TV show with a father/son theme.  I would get overly emotional, irrespective of the rest of the plot.  A sort of recurring mourning over that loss.

I recently watched a movie with Robert Downey Jr and Robert Duvall called The Judge.  It had a father/son theme.  If you haven't seen it, I won't give any of the plot away.  But for the first time, while watching this movie, I realised something that I guess I must have always believed all these years - it's not my fault.

Deep down in my subconscious I somehow took the blame for my absent relationship with my father.  I am not sure when that happened or why.  But I realise now that I haven't done anything wrong.  This is somewhat of a revelation to me.  Something must have happened to my father and somehow that event has resulted in our cordial relationship.

While I am not entirely sure how any of this will impact on the practicality of my life, I am grateful for the new perspective.  Who knows?  Maybe I can start watching father/son themed movies without fear of descending into a blubbing mess!  It would certainly be less awkward for those sitting next to me.....