Hi-ho, hi-ho...

There isn't any doubt about this - I derive a fair chunk of my identity and joy from working.  Aside from the obvious financial rewards, working gives me direction and purpose.  It distracts me from the constant and unrelenting darkness that has always been my travelling companion. 

Over the years, I have tried to let that go.  Self-help books and other wise counsel tell me that I need to look inside for my own joy.  So, for most of my adult life I have tried to shift my focus away from "work".  I have tried to be more Zen, to have a broader outlook.  I started practising yoga, exercising, reading about the philosophies of Buddhism.  I looked into mindfulness and meditation.  Heck - I even became a certified meditation teacher!

Unfortunately, none of that has been a lasting solution for me.  I am not saying that it can't work for someone else - just not for me.  Instead of release, I felt pressured to achieve inward peace through these prescribed processes. When I couldn't find it or to make it last, I felt more like a failure than before.

So I have accepted the fact that I derive my identity and purpose from working.  I am happy when I am working.  So what?  Happiness is so fleeting, so why should I put obstacles in front of it?  I accept that this isn't a long-term sustainable strategy.  A number of reasons can put a stop to working - unemployment, retirement, illness.  I know that.  But strangely, I feel less pressured now that I have come to this realisation.  There is one less stick to beat myself over the head with.

"Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable.  And lightness has a call that's hard to hear".

I learnt that my darkness is adaptable.  It is strong and it is clever.  So I needed to adapt as well.  There isn't a silver bullet that will work every time.  I need to have an arsenal of weapons, adaptable strategies.  I need to take and assess each day as it comes.

But most importantly I must stop being critical on the things that work.  I must stop being critical on the ways that I can hear lightness's call - no matter how weak that call is.