Is this thing on...?

I made a decision last night to go out.  It has been a loooong time since I did.  But I felt like a good boogie.  And the company of likeminded strangers as well.

That was a mistake.

There were a few challenges.  Staying awake was one of them!  The "party" doesn't start  until midnight at the earliest.  So a nanna nap in the afternoon helped sort that out.  The second was finding a place to go.  As luck would have it, there was a monthly night at a local club that played "hard beats".  Phew!  The third was what to wear - the weather has been very changeable in Sydney.  Luckily admission fee included a cloak-check.

Sorted!

Unfortunately, what I found was a scene filled with strangers.  No one smiled.  Some were just plainly rude.  I tried to start conversation, I tried to smile, I tried to make new friends (a stranger is just a friend you haven't met before!).  No one wanted to talk to me.  It seemed to me that no one was interested in the human aspect of socialising.  So I changed tact.  In the past, when I started to dance, I would make friends.  No such luck this time.

There are a lot of reasons for this change - away from common courtesy and a sharing of good times to an attitude of casual disregard for others and edgy violence.  The change in the party drug of choice is one of them.  The spread of the "Cult of Me" is another.  The way we are breeding out people's attention span also adds to this.

But there is one  big contributing factor which I can not deny.  My own headspace.

I went out last night to seek validation.  I wanted to feel a sense of connection - to a crowd, to a community, to a group of (what used to be) likeminded people.  Like Blanche DuBois in Streetcar Named Desire - I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, to give me a sense of purpose and belonging, a sense of worth. 

Instead, I found more reasons to justify my feelings of disassociation and alienation. 

However, as I watched the heaving crowd of sweaty half naked bodies grind away on the dance floor, I realised that my time has passed.  My decision must now be about how I want to fit into the world before me.  The world won't change - I have tried all my life to make it a better place.  But that time has passed. 

So I must be the one who changes.  The courage and the strength that has gotten me through every day of my life will have to see me through again.

All this plus a good solid hour of dancing....  Not bad for a Saturday night in October!