It has been steadily raining for the last few days. Sometimes torrentially, sometimes just a drizzle. Being an overly dramatic person, I feel as though the sky is crying in sympathy. I feel as though the sky sees me and knows that there is nothing it can do other than to sympathise.
What am I feeling? I feel that life is and continues to be a struggle, despite my every effort to make it otherwise. I don't understand people. I try to do the right things but I am constantly disappointed with the way things turn out. I am an alien in a strange world where I don't speak the language or understand their social customs.
So I try. I try to fit in. But it is difficult when I don't have any passions. I don't have any real interests. I feel grey inside and always struggling to find some common ground. It doesn't help that I am impatient.
As a result, I never feel a part of anything. Loneliness is a constant for me.
It was supposed to get better as you get older. It didn't for me. I discovered that I just get better at identifying the things I do to manage it, to ignore it.
What happens when your normal coping strategies don't work? That's when the heaviness in my chest expands and the colours bleed out of my everyday vision.
The world is as grey as the weather right now. I know the clouds will lift, as it always does. But it seems that I am going through a monsoon season right now. The periods of sunlight that usually brings the colours are transient and short-lived. The clouds are looming constantly. And my arms are tired of holding up the umbrella for so long.
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